(Disclaimer: This article only pertains to musicals I have seen. With the exception of Les Miserables, it is referring to the film version of the musical. Also, I do not condone child abuse. It's a joke. See Harry Potter 3 if you don't believe me, they use something similar.)In every musical, there is a song that I call a "Cheer Up Charlie". It isn't necessarily a bad song in and of itself, but dear heavens when you are watching that show and that song comes on, you scramble for the remote to hit the fast forward button the second its first strains fill the air - or sit with your hands discretely over your ears if you happen to be at the theatre. It interrupts the pacing, and can occasionally have the side effect of making you want to claw your eyes out. First up, the originator of the name:
God you're depressing, Mrs. Bucket.
1. Cheer Up Charlie, from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, 1971. Sung by Diana Sowle.
This song. It's so long. It's so boring. It's so unnecessary. It interrupts the excitement of the film. It tells us nothing except that Charlie's life is going to get better which hey, take a look at the poster. Kid's totally smiling. Could've figured this shit out myself, Charlie's mom. So thanks for wasting my time, and thanks to whoever invented fast forward. I don't think I've ever seen this scene more than once and I'd like to keep it that way.
2. The Floor Show (specifically, Don't Dream It, Be It) from Rocky Horror Picture Show, 1975. Sung by Tim Curry, Susan Sarandon, Barry Bostwick, Little Nell, Peter Hinwood, & Jonathan Adams.
Couldn't find the nip slip, sorry.
Wow, that Dr. Frank-n-furter sure is crazy! Staging a floor show with even the other men in corsets. Problem is, I got he was wacky at least 6 songs ago. This drags down the end of the movie and the only true benefit is you get to see some nip.
3. Hopelessly Devoted to You, from Grease, 1978. Sung by Olivia Newton-John.
I have actually never heard the entire song, mostly because the first few lines bore the shit out of me. Listen, Sandy. This whole damn movie is really about how you and John Travolta are clearly made for each other. We don't need a song about it, and holy jeez did Rizzo just say gang bang? I need to watch this movie again, it's dirtier than I thought. Anyway, you're boring and your music is boring until you put on a slutty outfit. So get on that and maybe I'll stop fast forwarding through all your scenes.
Are you seriously telling me this expression doesn't
make you want to punch her in the face?
4. (Love Will) Turn Back the Hands of Time, from Grease 2, 1982. Sung by Michelle Pfeiffer and Maxwell Cauldfield.
I know, the outfits. But trust me, it's terrible.
Many of you have ignored this song so thoroughly that you may not even remember it. It interrupts the totally AMAZING talent show production of the Pink Ladies, Girl for all Seasons (you never get to hear the last season, which makes this song tick me off even more) and is awful. Seriously, not even a catchy tune, interrupts a better song that is happening, and tells you useless information. It's a Grease sequel, okay? We were pretty damn sure nobody was getting killed, even if it did look like they rode their motorcycle off a cliff. Cut it out, put in the end of the other song, and let me enjoy the Pink Ladies in peace.
More like seasons of fuck you, am I right?
5. Seasons of Love, from Rent, sung by everyone in the show.
I'm not sure if it's just me and the fact that I had to sing this like 12 times for choir medleys, but I hate this song with a burning passion. It has nothing to do with the story and I want to murder its face. Also, its lyrics are trite and stupid and do not mesh with the rest of this rock-operish show. Just get rid of it entirely, and extend Mark's solo, Halloween. I love that song.
6. You're Timeless to Me, from Hairspray, 2007. Sung by Christopher Walken and John Travolta.
I can't think of a clever caption because, hey, it's Christopher Walken.
Ugh. While I find nothing wrong with the two of them pulling off some sweet dance moves together, couldn't you at least have given them a better song? It's slow and boring and since I care more about the Tracey plot of the film, it was going to have to be at least 3 times catchier, at least, if it didn't want me to fast forward through it every time I watch this movie.
7. Les Miserables
This is a tough one. For some people, I'm fairly certain this entire show is a Cheer Up Charlie. (Really? You don't even like Stars?) But the worst offender is probably Castle on a Cloud. Shut up, tiny Cosette. No one cares about you and clearly they aren't beating you hard enough if you're finding time to sing about how terrible your life is. Jesus.
Next time, use the lash.
You'll notice there are no Disney Movies on this list. That's because the original ones are full of awesome music, and I never watch the sequels.
